OLD EYES

When someone try to see another eye deeply is one way to try to discover the soul of the other. Considerately that the vision is the most fantasist feeling of the man, don't exist eyes to see the soul. Although this feeling shows tenderness, fear, emotion, poor or richest, even if all of these could be showed by one good actor or actress. Definitely we are blind to know others souls by our feeling. And all of the imprudence of this world would be forgiven if anybody knows the mind of that soul in front of us. The soul forgiven all. We are completely in front of a cliff to forgiven one soul that is in the same way that us. Or like beside a waterfall and the water is like all the cries of one regretted heart, that's only water, but is strong to fight against us with an incredible heavy.

I do not why I'm talking about soul. But I try to see anything about the old man who sleeps beside me, as a little bit about my soul. In his eye: my life. I couldn't see myself and understand me. I need other human to show me that I am not one animal,
that I am an understandable person as all persons if you see with a sharp glass. The white becomes in my mind from the upset of that old eyes, and how I lost in my little being. Even my vision to the world start to becomes from the situation of that old man, who never saw me. I always try to take his face, take his eyes, see his face. Alone, without light, in the middle of the night I only could see one peace of that. When he as eating. Strong noises by his mount, as a cow with his tongue. He was seemed anything disgusting. Anyway, he was important for me see the life, by his face, by his eyes, a disgusting human. How understand the old, my age without hair, my face with wrinkles, my body without vigorous...? Everything by a simple and poor old man beside me?

Without talk to me, or even look me, that old man teach me. I'd learned that if you don't know how to teach, you need to try to teach how to try to learn, and the silence is the best support to the spirit, to take all the movements through the silence, and pay attention in all sounds among you. This is so perfectly because even the movement of the eyes makes a little wind and disturb a concentrate meal, precisely that concentrate meal made by the old man beside me. It always occurred with me, he always took my look, and quickly going out from my look.

Someone that pass in front of you, beside you or in your back, require an answer. Different answers by each way, and different answers by each life that pass through of you. I am a hurricane of new questions without answers, more because I try to
give more that the simple answers required by each that pass by me. And each person that pass by you made one pressure against you, without any movement, only the steps, only foot noises, it's necessary to make us fast in our movements and to keep attention about any other signal of everyone. The worst is when you are without feed back, even if I keep my mind concentrate in the other mood, and not only in my solitude alone life. And how I can afford any lesson from that required answer to me, if that old eyes do not told me anything, do not made anything against or with me, only seemed white in front of me? I am so alone with that solitude. And how understand if he is alone, if he is real, if he deny me, or what he think about me?

I used to wake up all days at 6 am. Go to the bathroom, take a shower. After I used to go to the computer, send emails to find a job, and wait the breakfast. Two hours before I had woken up he have appeared, and only there was one man that he speaks - another Polish guy. He is Polish and he only keep contact with others Polish people. Certainly the language is one wall, too much big for a person from abroad. I remember little phrases that he told. At 10 pm when we turn off the lights, "people needs sleep". "Good morning". And, other polish phrases that I am not able to repeat here.

I heard about two thesis of his life. Both are inventions, like all history of lives. Because if all life could be represented in one theater, in one movie or in one biographies, isn't one pure life, but one invention about conscientious and overconscientious things that follow a line about an intention life, with success and frustrations. The first history about the old man is that he is completely alone, nobody are able to tell his past in Poland, although his two years at Browns Hostel, in Dublin. Since this two years he always lived at the same place, trying to get a job and going to some charity places to take food, medical help and
other things like that. Other people tells that he came to Dublin to try to get contact with his family, who also immigrate to Dublin. But in fact he was rejected from then, and turned out from his family house, actually his daughter's house.
Anyway, it his past is so important, but I cannot make a history of each life who pass by me. Sometimes the contact is really fast, instantaneous.
I don't give up the context. I think we have to keep he atmosphere of the situation to find a clue about ours answers and questions. I haven't some
clues about that life, so I had to work with my feelings, and the atmosphere which I fell anytime that I am around the old man.

Search the reason of that silent old eye isn't one great discover. But is like one big rock in my shoe. Is like the obscure object of my loser life. And the problem is that you cannot forget the answer, if you do not know nothing about the question. We need more objectives questions to go ahead, certainly easier way to discovery and invent some answers. All this trouble is really odd, but in the correctly
way of our feeling, our idea that make the life a farm of problems to resolve, with one ranch where we can create the same animals that our grandparents created or invent others, other plants and other lives. And from the life more life, from the love more love. From a without sense eyes, one research, one lost research, but one noncontinuous research. I promise I will continuous searching, even if I never could find anything or any soul in that poor life. But I certainly that I never be alone, our search is our best company.

I sad good bye to Browns Hostel, after to Dublin. And I never so the old man again. Perhaps he appear anywhere. I only knew that after my stay in Dublin out of Browns Hostel, the old man beside me was trying all days to make love with the Browns housekeeping. I knew that he haven't gotten that.